


Here and Now

by bessmertny



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-08-31 09:01:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8572345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bessmertny/pseuds/bessmertny
Summary: Love can't always be seen.





	

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Nesta first enters the Spring Court, she wants to turn and run until she is in Velaris again, in the arms of her mate again.

But she doesn’t.

Her back is straight and her chin high when she greets the High Lord of the Spring Court, and when he looks at her like she is a poor victim of _fate_ and not of his own stupid schemes Nesta wants nothing more than to claw his eyes out. Her hands start to shake when she is introduced to that woman- _female_ \- Ianthe. Nesta’s blood boils in her veins when she is greeted by a sugar-coated smile and she closes her hands in a fist tight enough her nails break the skin of her palm, _she can’t do this, she wants to kill her, she will kill her, kill him, kill the King, she shouldn’t be here, this was a mistake but the Spring Court, Tamlin promised to attack the Night Court if her and Elain didn’t go and her mate’s eyes when she winnowed, his face when he last kissed her, she can’t, she can’t pretend and smile to them, to this monsters, she’s drowning, she’s drowning, she’s drowning-_

That’s when his scent hits her.

_Cassian_

It happened every day since, his smell always in her lungs when she feels like she can’t breathe, he is everywhere even if he’s not there with her, the imaginary brush of his fingers is the last thing to touch her skin at night.

She breathes deeply, letting the illusion of him fill her lungs, leaning in the phantom of his touch.

“Nesta, are you feeling well?” it’s Elain’s voice, she’s standing next to that male, Lucien, and she’s blooming, her smile brighter than the sun as she clutches his arm.

The first day she hidden behind Nesta, scared of the pull she felt but as time passed, the two of them got closer and closer until it became nearly impossible to see one without the other.

Nesta knows that pull, remembers how she tried to fight it, in vain, remembers how love and that hard headed male of hers were stronger than everything.

“I bet your sister is just feeling relieved she’s been freed from that court of _monsters_ , Lady Elain, even if she still reeks like one of them. Maybe she just needs more time to adjust. Or to be grateful for her rescue, it seems.” it’s Ianthe, it’s her voice and Nesta hates the very sound of it, every word she speaks.

“Oh, she is grateful, she’s just too shaken to say so.” Feyre answers, her voice like honey even if she can’t hide the hate that contorts her features, even if only for a moment.

Lucien grips Elain’s hand when her eyes start to move to Nesta and Ianthe, worry clearly painted on her face, and he strokes his thumb on the tender skin on the back of her hand.

“Quit talking like I am not here.” Nesta snarls between her teeth, taking a step toward Ianthe, her fingers itching.

The Priestess just laughs and mutters, her voice low enough that Nesta can barely hear it, “ _Wildcat_.”

Nesta’s eyes go wide and hears a growl that she’s not sure if it comes from her own throat.

She’s about to take a step further, to rip the Priestess throat out with her bare hands-but she can’t.

It would ruin everything, every plan, it would make all the pain Feyre suffered meaningless, every strategy Cassian worked so hard for worthless, it would ruin _everything_.

She feels the tears in her eyes and she hates herself for it, for how powerless she feels.

Nesta bites her lower lip until the taste of blood floods in her mouth in a vain attempt to rein in her emotions, her rage.

A wave of calmness and strength washes over her from the mating bond- _it’s him, it’s him, it’s him_ -and she straightens her back again, looks Ianthe in the eyes, refusing to back down in front of her, to make that poor excuse of a female make her lose control.

She hears a chuckle, the sound so distinctively _Cassian_ that she starts to think her mind is playing tricks on her.

“I never felt better, _Priestess_ ”, Nesta spits the name like it’s the worst insult to ever grace her tongue, looking Ianthe up and down like she’s _nothing_ “and I actually believed the mighty Spring Court had better manners. It seems you lot are too busy with your gardens to preoccupy yourself on how to properly treat your guests.” she hears a growl coming from her left, from the High Lord no less, Feyre’s hand on his arms, a soothing gesture for sure, if it wasn’t for her sisters wicked grin, so similar to the one Nesta sometimes saw on Rhysand.

She takes a step closer, takes Feyre’s hand and says “I still have to see the gardens.”

Feyre squeezes her hand, a thank you.

Nesta asks herself if this is what sisterhood is supposed to be and the sun in the Spring Court gardens reflects on her pale skin and it feels like Cassian’s laugh.

 

The days go on in a blur, and the pain in her chest is always worst.

Elain quietly moves to Lucien’s room while Nesta dreams of wings and long black hair and hazel eyes, her hands always searching for a warm body on the other side of the bed and the ache she feels is not only her own.

Feyre’s work to turn the Spring Court to cinders is astounding and with Lucien’s help they know exactly how to make it crumble at the High Lady’s feet and when the shame and guilt cross the redheaded male scarred face all it takes is Elain’s hand in his to remind him what he is working for.

_Love_

She wants to laugh at the word, wants to cry her eyes out at Feyre’s joy when she goes to Velaris every night because she can’t, the bond pulls and screams inside of her and she can’t go to her mate, can’t go to Cassian, she can’t-

She closes her eyes, willing herself to eat, to listen to the words that are being spoken around her.

It’s the sound of Ianthe clearing her throat that brings her back to reality.

“Well, Nesta, now that both your sister are happy with a respectable male, I rather think it is your turn to settle down. I do know a bunch of males that would _love_ to-” her sentence is cut off when half of the room explodes, completely incinerated by an angry shade of red.

They all stand up, chairs scraping the pavement but Nesta takes a step closer to that chaos, feeling beckoned to the wildness of it.

Elain grips her wrist, pulling her toward the table and she vaguely hears the words, the screams and worried tones as her eyes don’t leave the sight before her, the tiny flames and the smoke in the air that feels like home.

 

The gardens of this Court, she must admit, are one of the most beautiful things she has ever seen.

They are now taking a stroll, all together like the big family Tamlin thinks they are; Nesta can see him walking with Feyre and she notices how her sisters back is stiff, how she tries to distance herself as much as she can from the High Lord without raising suspicion and just beside them are Elain and Lucien, so tightly hugged in each other they seem one, the sound of her giggling and of his quiet laugh filling the gardens.

They all sit on the ground and Nesta tries to imagine Cassian, with his broad shoulders and his wings, she tries to think if he would like this place but she knows the Spring Court is a bit too tamed for her mate.

“Nesta, come sit with us!”Elain’ voice is like golden bells and Nesta wonders if she ever saw her sister as happy as she is when she rests her head on Lucien’s shoulder.

She goes to them, sitting near Feyre and from the look on her sister’s face she knows what they are talking about: the Night Court.

“We still don’t know much about that city, Velaris, but we will.” Tamlin says, his eyes on Lucien.

Lucien, who passed every bit of information he had to Azriel.

Elain’s mate nodded, his face a mask of cold calculation and Tamlin doesn’t question his utter submission to his will.

Nesta will laugh herself hoarse when the world will crumble under Tamlins feet and he will go down with that bitch priestess of his.

“It’s a pity me and Nesta don’t remember, we would have loved to help you.” Elain says, her eyes down like she feels guilty, a perfect act.

Nesta nods, her mind recalling the nights in Velaris, in the House of Wind, in the cabin-

“I don’t think they will move on us. They have no reason to, right?” Feyre asks, biting her lower lip, looking like a lost little bride.

Tamlin brushes his fingers on her cheek and Nesta bites back a growl.

“We can never know what move they will make,” he says, the disgust evident on his face and in his voice “and I heard their Commander survived Hybern. If only he died or lost his wings we could ha-” it’s a moment, less than a heartbeat and the High Lord of Spring finds himself on his back, Nesta’s fingers around his neck, squeezing.

His eyes are wide and he tries to open his mouth but Nesta growls, closes her hands even more around his throat.

“ _How dare you_ ” she snarls, her voice low and furious “ _How dare you speak of him_ ” she feels darkness around her, pulling on her hands to let go of his neck but she grips it even harder and those words, those horrible words are booming in her head _her Cassian, her Cassian, her mate_

The darkness pull on her hands, on her arms but it’s not what makes her lose her grip; she feels something like two strong arms she knows and loves on her body, pulling her away, unhooking her fingers one for one until Tamlin is free from her grasp.

He breathes and coughs and Nesta snarls _he has to pay for what he said, how could he-_

“Nesta, calm down.” Feyre says and she whips her head in the direction of her sister, her eyes wide.

“You heard what he said.” her voice is still low, rage seeping through every word.

“I know. I’ll make him forget what happened, but you _need_ to calm down.”

Feyre is standing in front of Tamlin and his eyes are wide and unseeing.

Nesta straightens herself and she knows that she can’t stay here, not now, not until the urge to strangle Tamlin passes.

“I-I’m going in my room.” she says, looking at no one and no one stops her.

She wants to run and scream, wants to go back and make Tamlin regret every word he said but she just keeps walking while her rage devours her.

She walks up the stairs and goes straight to her room, locking the door behind her.

Nesta sits on the bed, her face in her hands; she just- she wants her mate, wants Cassian so much she feels like he is with her in every moment, misses him so fiercely she thinks he is right behind her, she is sure she feels the heat of his body on hers and-

“Hello, sweetheart.”

The air stops in her lungs as she twirls but still sees nothing. She moves a hand and it meets the soft leather of his fighting gear and in that moment she remembers, remembers that day when everything changed, when he knocked on the door of her house with a letter for the Mortal Queens and Nesta could only see the snow.

He chuckles, the sound traveling on Nesta’s body, his lips on her neck and she starts to see his hands, the red siphons upon them, his arms, his face, his body and she missed him so much she nearly sobs.

They collide in a kiss, his strong hands around her face as she envelops him in her arms, her legs around his hips, refusing to let him go.

“I missed you so much,” she says, her voice a desperate whisper “I don’t want to be apart from you ever again”.

He kisses and lowers her on the bed, his body covering hers and she moves to remove every inch of clothing that covers his skin.

“You won’t, you won’t.” he says on the tender skin of her chest “I will never leave you, I _can’t_ leave you.”

But she looks at him, worry seeping in her mind.

“But you have to go,” she says, her hands gripping his shoulders.

Cassian stops moving and looks up to her. “ _What?_ ” he asks, his voice a low rumble, hazel eyes narrowed.

“What if they see you? What if someone knows you are here?” the words come out of her in a rush and he’s-

He’s laughing.

Cassian is laughing like she just said the most hilarious thing in the world.

He takes her face in his hands, his thumb stroking her cheek “I have been here with you from the moment you set foot in this blasted Court.”

Everything clicks into place in Nesta’s mind at his words.

“You were here.” she says, her voice full of awe.

He smiles a soft, loving smile and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. “You thought I would leave you here all alone? Not a chance in hell, love.”

A smile breaks on her face and she wants to kiss him, needs to kiss him.

Cassian removes her dress, mumbling about the horrible taste of the Spring Court, moving his hands all over her body, teasing, making Nesta tremble with anticipation.

“I wanted to touch you, all this days, wanted to be with you, wanted to be _in_ you, it was driving me insane.” his voice is low and needy, the most beautiful sound she heard in these weeks.

“And that _bitch_ ,” he growls, the fury in the words makes his voice tremble “thinking that she can find a male worthy of you when _you’re mine_.”

She looks at him “You made the room explode”, there’s no sign of anger or condemnation in her voice.

There’s a wicked grin on her face.

“ _Half_ of the room, which was a great show of restraint on my part.” Cassian answers.

She pushes on his shoulders with her hands, pushes until he sits on the bed and she’s astride him, hi beautiful wings spread behind him, his cock still confined in his pants.

She grinds down on him and he throws his head back, his hands on her hips.

Nesta gently bites and lick the strong column of his throat, her hips still moving.

“ _Shit_ ” he hisses just before he moves her up to remove the last pieces of clothing on her body and her hands fly to his pants, to work them down his hips and legs and on the ground.

Cassian kisses her, slow and lustful as she moves her body just above him and Nesta grips his shoulders as she sinks down on him, feeling the perfect fit of his body on hers, of his cock inside of her.

Nesta doesn’t move, not yet, she savors the moment, having him inside of her.

She could stay this way forever.

“Mother”, she moans, her forehead on his and his face, the black pooling in his hazel eyes “I missed this, I-” she swallow, unable to form proper words so she moves and Cassian moans as he kisses her, his hands on her hips easing her movements and soon they both start panting, the sound of moaning filling the room and when Cassian moves his hand to her center Nesta nearly screams.

He moans at the wetness he finds there, his fingers circling where his bodies are joined for a moment before his finger move to the apex of her sex and start stroking faster and faster until Nesta is trembling, her movements erratic as pleasure builds up inside of her, their mouths colliding together again and again between whispered words

_I love you, I love you_

_You’re mine_

_You feel so good, fuck_

_Don’t stop, please don’t stop_

_Stay_

_Always_

Nesta is close, so close the sweet torture of his fingers making her tip over the edge but then his voice, his damned voice- “I- _shit_ -I fucking love it when you are on top of me, when you ride me. It makes me _so fucking hard_ ” he moans those last words and Nesta can’t, she can’t, his voice in her ear and his fingers on her and his cock deep inside her is too much, it’s too perfect, it’s too-

She shatters around him, her arms around his shoulders and his hands on her hips keeping her from falling over but her eyes stay open, watching him as he moves to place her on the bed, watches as he  thrust into her, again and again and again before he comes, too.

Nesta deepens the kiss, swallowing his moans.

Cassian moves his arm under her head, pulling her close to him, humming happily.

They get under the covers, his wings cocooning her as he kisses her forehead, her lips.

Nesta knows that it’s probably late afternoon but she’s so tired now, she just wants to sleep in the arms of her mate and she knows no one will knock at her door, not after what happened with Tamlin.

“You should have let me strangle him.” she says.

Cassian looks at her and says, his face serious “No. That’s what they want from us, to act on instinct and without reason because they think we are monsters. We’re going to win this war, and after, you can kick what is left of Tamlin after Feyre and Rhys are done with him.”

“He insulted you, he said horrible things and I-” he shuts her up with a kiss, his arms tightening around her.

“I know what he said and I am quite flattered that you would try to strangle a High Lord for me, but don’t ever do it again.”

Nesta looks at him, disbelief clear on her face but Cassian kisses her again and looks at her “I can’t bear the thought of you in danger Nesta, and if Tamlin understands that you are on the side of the Night Court, I will kill him before he gets a chance to do anything about it and it will blow our plans.”

She wants to argue, wants to retort in some ways, but she knows he is right, she _tried_ but those words-

Nesta looks down but he moves his nose on hers, and her eyes meet his and the tenderness she finds there makes her love him even more.

“I will be here with you.” he says, sleep taking over him and Nesta can only imagine how tired he is after using his powers every day.

She buries her face in his chest, preparing for her first night of peaceful sleep.

 

When Nesta wakes up the first thing she sees is Cassian’s wing, right in front of her face.

She sees the tiny scars and the bigger ones that cover it and she remembers how it was for him, how he managed to overcome such a great pain-the operations, the stitches, the fear of never flying again, the sleepless nights-and she knows that if she now accepts her new nature is because of _him_ , of how Cassian pulled her together when she was falling apart.

She looks at him, at the peaceful expression on his face.

He never left her, he came to the Spring Court, came into enemy territory just to be with her, he probably flew all the way from Velaris, even if the healers told him to not fly long distances.

Nesta moves again, moving the tip if her nose on his wing and then places a kiss on the membrane.

She hears a sharp intake of breath coming from Cassian, his eyes wide and his breathing ragged.

“Did I hurt you? Mother, Cassian I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-”

“ _Do it again.”_

So she moves up, passing her tongue on his wing while her fingers stroke lightly on the membrane above the talon and Cassian shakes, his hands grabbing Nesta, his face hidden in the crook of her neck.

She kisses it again and tries to move, making her mate lie on his stomach; they are both still naked and the quick rise and fall of Cassian’s chest, the swirls of his tattoos, the movements of the muscles of his shoulders, it all makes her want to make him face her, to sink down on him again but this, this thing with his wings is something she has yet to discover.

Her hands can move on both wings now, touching gently on the bones and bending to kiss his scars and Cassian’s hand move to grasp the sheet, his knuckles white.

“Shit, fuck, Nesta.” he’s panting, moving his head like the pleasure is too intense for him to handle and when Nesta finds a spot just under the bridge of bones he starts to chant “ _don’t stop Nesta please, please_ ” and she doesn’t, does exactly like he begs her to, slithers a hand down his stomach and he moves up, folding his legs under himself and grabbing the headboard with both hands.

She licks up his spine, right between his wings while her hand draws little circles under his navel and he growls her name.

“You really don’t like to be teased do you.” she says, her lips moving on the soft membrane of his wings before her teeth graze the membrane, just a bit but enough for Cassian to arch his back into her.

“ _Fuck_ ”

She closes her eyes for a moment, trying to calm down the burning in her core, the need she feels of him.

Her hand goes down, gripping his cock, pumping up and down on his length and his moans drill into her, making her thighs clench almost painfully.

His head rolls back and Nesta raises herself, making it rest on her shoulder and he kisses her neck, the side of her face, every point of her that he can reach.

“ _I love you, I love you so much, fuck, Mother, shit_.” Nesta knows he is about to come, she can feel it but Cassian moves his hand from the headboard and she gives a glance to the crumpled and broken state of it, and his fingers entwine with hers, moving on his cock together while her mouth  and tongue move on his back and wings, her other hand drawing circles over the dark membrane.

His shaking gets more intense, the moans coming out of his mouth become a desperate sound and he moves their joined hands faster and faster just as she trails a line on his wing with her tongue and he _shouts_ as he comes, trembling all over, panting, placing their still joined hands on his chest.

Nesta stops touching him, afraid that his wings are too sensible now so she just moves, her mate following her movements as she lies down on the bed again, Cassian still shaking in her arms.

His head is resting on her chest, his wings closed but still trembling, his arms cradle her so tightly that Nesta feels every little tremor of his body.

She looks up to the headboard, or rather, at what is left of it and laughs “I wonder how am I going to explain that.”, she says and Cassian makes a sound, like he is trying to speak but can’t find the strength to properly do so.

Nesta kisses his head and falls asleep again, lulled by the sound of his breathing.

 

She wakes up to the sound of someone knocking furiously at her door and she’s about to turn and ask Cassian to open the door, but then she remembers: she’s still at the Spring Court, and Cassian is-

he is standing at the edge of the bed, his fighting leathers on, siphons catching the light coming from the windows.

“Nesta, wake up!” Elain bellows from outside the room just as Cassian moves to kiss her, her fingers run through his hair and she never wants to let him go.

But they have to part, even if they still kiss each other while she washes and dresses as quickly as she can, both trying to not throw the other against the wall and just _take_.

When they are both in front of the door he rests his forehead on hers and she feels talons and fire on the steel wall of her mind so she takes it down, only a fraction, only for him.

_I will be right here, love._

She nods, raising herself for one last kiss before she opens the door and he vanishes.

“Well,” Elain says, her voice too high, nearly piercing Nesta’s ears “I see that you aren’t prepared yet. Please hurry, we will wait for you in the dining room” while she speaks, Elain places a letter in her hands, her face stern and serious, a look so at odds with the sweet, innocent Elain “Take your time, but _be sure that you are ready_ ” and with that, she twirls and heads for the stairs.

Nesta closes the door and takes the letter, Cassian visible again beside her.

What is written on that sheet of paper makes her blood run cold:

_Nesta, the people of the Spring Court decided at last to turn against Tamlin and Ianthe._

_When we are at the Theatre they are going to wait for us just outside of it, to take both of them, and we will help them._

_The other courts will have no choice but to put Lucien, being the only male with enough power in the Spring Court, in the position of power and raise him as High Lord and doing so, the Night Court will not be held accountable since there are no proofs against us._

_We’ll win the war,_

_Feyre_

Nesta looks at Cassian, at the quiet joy and triumph in his eyes.

“We will go home tonight.” he says, the laughter in her voice make Nesta want to win the war just for him, just to see him smile.

“We will.”

 

The breakfast is awkward at best, but that is something that is routine at this point, but there’s a new hope, a new sense of purpose and even Lucien’s back is straighter this morning.

“You seem quite perky today, Lady Nesta. Something you need to tell us?” Ianthe asks, a vicious smile on her face.

Nesta looks at her and grins “I just had a very _pleasurable_ sleep.” she answers, and hears Cassian’s voice in her head “ _You wicked creature_ ” he says, but she knows there’s that smirk of his on her mates lips.

The walk to the Theatre seems to last forever, and as Tamlin explains to Feyre that part of the court Nesta feels Cassian’s hand on hers and they entwine their fingers, walking hand in hand until they reach their destination.

No one greets Tamlin, not like they did to Rhysand: Nesta saw the faces of the Night Courts citizens, how proud and happy they were to see their High Lord but what she sees in the Spring Court is hatred, fear, blind loyalty.

When they enter the Theatre she picks a lonely spot on the far left, leaving her companions alone, giving Lucien and Elain the possibility to enjoy the show and giving Feyre the opportunity to run over her plans.

She sits down, trying to understand where Cassian is when the lights go down and the music starts.

The show is about a fair maiden being captured by an evil male, just to be saved by a dashing hero.

Nesta starts to seriously regret that she didn’t strangle Tamlin.

But just as the maiden gets kidnapped she feels Cassian’s hands on her thighs and trembles as they go down, slowly hoisting her dress up her legs.

“ _What are you doing?_ ” she asks him, and even if she is talking to him through the bond, her voice quivers.

He doesn’t answer, but moves his hands to spread her legs and Nesta can’t breathe.

His lips are on her inner thigh, kissing and licking and biting and she moves one of hands to her mouth, trying to not make a sound.

She could stop him, she knows, knows that Cassian would never do something she doesn’t want, but she _wants this_ , she wants to walk out of this place smelling of him.

“ _That’s a lovely thought, sweetheart_.” he says, his voice low.

Nesta grips the armrest as he moves her hips toward him, making her sit at the edge of her seat.

She sees the outline of his head under her dress, feels his fingers as they move her underwear to the side and when his tongue brushes her sex she bites back a scream.

“ _Easy, love. You don’t want all the Theatre to hear you_.” his voice booms in her head and she takes some time to understand the words, all coherent thought washed away from her head by the motions of his tongue.

“ _Or do you? Do you want them all to hear as you scream my name, as I make you moan?_ ”

“ _Please_ ”

His tongue swirls on the apex of her sex, making her head roll back, her hands now closed in fists.

“ _I’ll give you what you want Nesta, I’ll give you everything you want. Fuck, you taste so good_.”

One of his hands move away from her hips and she can feel her own heart beating frantically as Cassian’s fingers join his mouth, making her gasp.

She covers her mouth with her hand when one of those fingers goes inside her slowly, “ _Cassian, Cassian, Cassian_ ” she calls his name again and again while she writhes in her seat, trying to move closer, to just get to him.

His tongue moves faster, taking her over the edge while his finger goes in and out of her and she can’t-“ _I’m-Mother-I can’t-Cassian_ ” the moment she comes her free hand goes to find him and he takes it in his, moving to her just as the play ends.

In the roaring of the applause, no one notices as Nesta clings to Cassian, visible only to her.

“And now?” she asks, her mind a pleasure addled mess.

Her mate kisses her gently, like she is the most precious thing in the world.

“And now we go home.”

 


End file.
